Jesus Doesn't want me for a sunbeam.....

.....and when I'm done with this, Buddha probably isn't going to want me as one either.


Jesus doesn’t like me very much. Probably something about me calling him, “just another stupid super hero.” I don’t know. What if Jesus could fly? That would be cool. He certainly would have been better suited to spread the good word. His apostles, or the J-12 as I like to call them, would each have a unique super power too. Here are a couple ideas I have:

Peter could be a shape shifter. “Peter form the shape of Simon.”
John would have x-ray vision and would wear really cool Ray Bans.
Matt, he would have poon power so that he could score with any lady he wanted.
Hmmmm. Judas, I'd give hime the power to become a back stabbing prick.

You want to know what the best part is? Okay, I'll tell you. If ever the Romans went ape shit J.C. and J-12 would form together into a giant lion, just like Voltron. Then they would eat all the Christians and go out for hot dogs after.

I think Jesus should have come up with something better to represent his body than Triscuits. Does the church still give out wafers during Passover? Chametz? After all, Jesus was a Jew, I don’t think he’d turn his back on his pal Chuck Heston, that fucked packed some heat.

If Kate Moss took communion, would she have to eat a Waifer?

Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies would be a good replacement. People like Girl Scout cookies, except they cost too much. At $3.50 Who do those whorish little bitches think they are? They’d better be laced with LSD at that price. But hey, what a great way to get people into church. Yeah, I'll confess if it means I can have a free cookie.

Do you think back in biblical times they were all kinky and shit? Did they role play? "Oh Pharaoh, make me your slave!" "Come work on my pyramid." That's probably where the Passover plagues came from, biblical STDs. Imagine that, some guy with a locust on his pecker and boils on her va-jay-jay.

Well, that's enough, I'm going home. Like I said, Jesus don't want me.