Look out! Death rays are here!

I was disgusted when I read the headline, “Stingray kills woman on boat in Florida Keys, 75-pound fish jumps, strikes her in face as boat travels at 25 mph; ray dies” Yet another reason why must rid our oceans of these horrible winged fish. First they took the beloved Croc Hunter and now this poor woman. How many more have to die before we see the light?

Bleeding heart animal rights activist (code for people hater), Lynn Gear, says that, “Rays jump to escape a predator, give birth and shake off parasites, they do not attack people.” Oh no, tell that to Ms. Zagorski. Oh wait, you can’t she’s got a fuckin’ stingray sticking out of her head.

I call for open season on the rays before more senseless deaths happen. Maybe the Tampa Bay Devil Rays ball team need to be taught a lesson as well. If rays can influence Major League Baseball, there is no telling how far they will go for world domination. They must be stopped now before their power gets out of hand. Imagine a world not unlike the one depicted in Planet of the Apes. This time it’s Planet of the Stingrays. “Take your hands off me you damn slimey ray!”

Pop goes the weasel mother fucker!

We have to stop trying to protect animals, judging from this incident, they do alright on their own. Just a few short months ago, while attending a bull riding competition I was taunted by a mob of those PETA nuts. And no, PETA nuts aren’t the ones that look like sunflower seeds. However, I showed them a thing or two. Apparently their weakness is flash photography. You should have seen how fast they put down their signs when I posed before them, clad in a cowboy hat, with a cowgirl at my side.

Much like the poo of the animals they try to protect, PETA is all over, and their message stinks. Animals are meant to be exploited for the amusement of man. That's why God invented whips, cages and those things the lions stand on at the circus. Stop ruining all the fun things I want to do. I don’t need you there telling me that the circus is cruel to animals. If it were really that bad, the animals in Ringling Brothers would have formed unions long ago. Until I hear from Jumping Dogs Local 253 about the inhumane treatment they are supposedly receiving, you can bite me. Unless you have rabies.

“Animals are not our friends. They’ll slit our throat first chance they get. That’s why we must strike first.” That first chance will be the moment evolution give them opposable thumbs. I make my plea to all of you now, we must dominate and control these little fuckers or we are doomed to be dominated by them later! It's just like prison. As Rob Newhouse, Esq., my attorney says, "The trick is, kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right." Well, I don't know about you but I'm not going to become some elephant's bitch. Guess that leave option A!

Screw you and your orangutan friends Dr. Zaius. Incidentally, he’s not a medical doctor, it’s only a Ph.D.

The brother of the victim of this suicide ray stated at a press conference today that this couldn't have been avoided. Oh, I beg, pretty please, with spotted ray on top, to differ. If all the animals were locked away in zoos or between two slices of whole wheat bread, grilled to medium well, this terrible tragedy WOULD have been avoided. Remember kids, the only safe animal is a stuffed Beanie Baby animal.

You know what, screw that, those damn Beanie Baby toys give kids the wrong idea. What are we teaching our children? That animals are cute and fuzzy and stuffed with synthetic cancer causing cotton? Won't little Bobby be surprised when that cute and fuzzy rabbit has him by the throat, blood spewing from his torn jugular. In agony, gasping his final breaths, you draw closer. His voice is faint but between the popping noise of the blood bubbles filling his young throat you're able to make out his final words, "But mommy, you said to be nice to animals."

You want that to happen? I don't, but PETA does. Animals are not our equals, they are our sworn enemies and must be stopped.

In closing, God really fucked up when he put wings and giant barbs on these bastards of the sea.

Killer Ray:

Waht sick fuck put her visor on top of the stingray?