A Salute to the Colonel!

Colonel Harland D. Sanders
Kentucky Fried Chicken Headquarters
In Kentucky USA

Dear Colonel Sanders,

Thank you for your delicious chicken. I was in one of your Kentucky Fried Chicken stores last week and saw your picture. It’s the one where you are sitting under a tree, in a chair, on the green grass, in front of a house, wearing your white suit, black socks, black shoes (they look like slip-ons) and black ribbon tie. Oh and white shirt. Do you know the photo? I really liked it. Do you sell them? The guy at the store said I couldn’t have theirs. Where can I get one?

I wear bow ties too. Not the kind you wear, mine are like the ones portrayed by Tucker Carlson, Pee Wee Herman, Orville Redenbacher or Karl Marx. Great men wear bow ties. I’m sure that’s why you do too but you should take a pair of scissors and cut the ends off yours, they make you look like a dork.

Are you a real Colonel? Did you get that rank in the Civil War? Are you a Lieutenant Colonel or a “full bird” Colonel? Or are you a two thighs, a wing and a breast Colonel? Get it, that’s chicken humor.

Maybe you fought in Vietnam, did you? You look a little like that guy Ho Chi Minh. He was like the Lord of North Vietnam. Are you guys related? Maybe you just go to the same barber? That’s probably it.

My favorite thing to get it the KFC Famous Bowl. It has chicken, potatoes, corn, cheese and gravy. Silly me, you probably knew that already, you’re the Colonel. I like it because it has everything you need and you only have to buy just one thing. You should mash up chocolate chip cookies and put them in there too, for dessert. Put them in first so you have to eat your entire meal to get to the dessert. That would help kids finish their meals. It would be like, “Eat your broccoli Jimmy and you’ll get to the Snickers bar.” It’s a good idea and McDonald’s can’t do it because if you put cookies in the hamburger somebody might start on the wrong side and eat the Grimace or Fry Guy cookies for dessert first and then that will spoil their appetite and they won’t be able to eat the rest of the hamburger and then it will go to waste and then the mommy will be upset because those things are starting to get expensive. But you can put ice cream and stuff at the bottom of your Famous Bowls.

So maybe you can send me that poster now that I gave you a cool idea.

Okay, that’s enough writing for now. I’m sure you’re busy with your chicken empire and everything.

Thanks for sending the poster,


Sherb
Inventor of the all new, "Famous Bowl Plus Ice Cream"

Look out! Death rays are here!

I was disgusted when I read the headline, “Stingray kills woman on boat in Florida Keys, 75-pound fish jumps, strikes her in face as boat travels at 25 mph; ray dies” Yet another reason why must rid our oceans of these horrible winged fish. First they took the beloved Croc Hunter and now this poor woman. How many more have to die before we see the light?

Bleeding heart animal rights activist (code for people hater), Lynn Gear, says that, “Rays jump to escape a predator, give birth and shake off parasites, they do not attack people.” Oh no, tell that to Ms. Zagorski. Oh wait, you can’t she’s got a fuckin’ stingray sticking out of her head.

I call for open season on the rays before more senseless deaths happen. Maybe the Tampa Bay Devil Rays ball team need to be taught a lesson as well. If rays can influence Major League Baseball, there is no telling how far they will go for world domination. They must be stopped now before their power gets out of hand. Imagine a world not unlike the one depicted in Planet of the Apes. This time it’s Planet of the Stingrays. “Take your hands off me you damn slimey ray!”

Pop goes the weasel mother fucker!

We have to stop trying to protect animals, judging from this incident, they do alright on their own. Just a few short months ago, while attending a bull riding competition I was taunted by a mob of those PETA nuts. And no, PETA nuts aren’t the ones that look like sunflower seeds. However, I showed them a thing or two. Apparently their weakness is flash photography. You should have seen how fast they put down their signs when I posed before them, clad in a cowboy hat, with a cowgirl at my side.

Much like the poo of the animals they try to protect, PETA is all over, and their message stinks. Animals are meant to be exploited for the amusement of man. That's why God invented whips, cages and those things the lions stand on at the circus. Stop ruining all the fun things I want to do. I don’t need you there telling me that the circus is cruel to animals. If it were really that bad, the animals in Ringling Brothers would have formed unions long ago. Until I hear from Jumping Dogs Local 253 about the inhumane treatment they are supposedly receiving, you can bite me. Unless you have rabies.

“Animals are not our friends. They’ll slit our throat first chance they get. That’s why we must strike first.” That first chance will be the moment evolution give them opposable thumbs. I make my plea to all of you now, we must dominate and control these little fuckers or we are doomed to be dominated by them later! It's just like prison. As Rob Newhouse, Esq., my attorney says, "The trick is, kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right." Well, I don't know about you but I'm not going to become some elephant's bitch. Guess that leave option A!

Screw you and your orangutan friends Dr. Zaius. Incidentally, he’s not a medical doctor, it’s only a Ph.D.

The brother of the victim of this suicide ray stated at a press conference today that this couldn't have been avoided. Oh, I beg, pretty please, with spotted ray on top, to differ. If all the animals were locked away in zoos or between two slices of whole wheat bread, grilled to medium well, this terrible tragedy WOULD have been avoided. Remember kids, the only safe animal is a stuffed Beanie Baby animal.

You know what, screw that, those damn Beanie Baby toys give kids the wrong idea. What are we teaching our children? That animals are cute and fuzzy and stuffed with synthetic cancer causing cotton? Won't little Bobby be surprised when that cute and fuzzy rabbit has him by the throat, blood spewing from his torn jugular. In agony, gasping his final breaths, you draw closer. His voice is faint but between the popping noise of the blood bubbles filling his young throat you're able to make out his final words, "But mommy, you said to be nice to animals."

You want that to happen? I don't, but PETA does. Animals are not our equals, they are our sworn enemies and must be stopped.

In closing, God really fucked up when he put wings and giant barbs on these bastards of the sea.

Killer Ray:

Waht sick fuck put her visor on top of the stingray?

Sherbbat Shalom Star Wars fans.

With Passover coming up I thought I would share some lesser known facts that you won’t find on the Internet Movie Database. Friends since college, George Lucas suffered from chronic writer’s block and asked Steven Spielberg for help on the original Star Wars Trilogy. Uber-Jew Spielberg agreed so long as there was a Jewish back story. I know this is true because I heard it from my mom’s friend who goes to Synagogue with Spielberg’s aunt.

The film originally centered around the trials and tribulations of Jewbacca and his nagging wife Hannah Solo.

The Millennium Falcon is made by Cadillac.

It wasn’t a tractor beam, it was just Shabbat so they had to wait until after sundown.

Cantina band gained fame playing Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.

Luke’s aunt and uncle weren’t upset because he wanted to join the rebellion, it was because he didn’t want to be a doctor.

Princess Leia was from Long Island. What a JAP.

The game Luke and Jewbacca play on the Millennium Falcon is a version or Mahjong.

Darth Vader hated Atheists, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

In Empire, the Rebels weren’t fleeing Echo Base, they were just rushing because they got a last minute deal on flights to Boca Raton. “Oy, it’s too cold.”

Lando Calrissian is an Israelite

Jabba the Hut's dialog is Yiddish played backwards.

The scene where Han Solo was frozen in cabonite was actually supposed to be his bris but had to be changed to keep the PG rating.

The Force = Guilt

Taun-taun meat is actually Kosher. Ugnaughts, with their pig-like features, are not. Treyf!

Never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.

March 13, 2008



To whom it may concern,

Yesterday I had the opportunity to try one of your products for the first time. I must say, I was greatly impressed. Never before have I had the opportunity to use such a fine, well made piece of equipment in a restroom before. Without question, your hand dryers are a cut above the rest. The Nova #5, I believe you call it the Airline, is #1 in my book! I assume the rapid dry time is attributed to the 153 C.F.M. engine.

However, my only complaint and not one with your product specifically, is that as hand dryers begin to replace paper towels in restrooms, the consumer is faced with the prospect of having to touch that filthy, stinky door nob in order to exit. Without the protection of a paper towel one must wait for someone else to enter before exiting. It’s truly shameful that in this day and age some people are still adverse to washing their hands. Why is that? I had one guy in my office who just refused to do it. Everyone knew too. That’s why nobody ate his deviled eggs at the holiday party. Well, that’s not true, Larry ate them. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be boring you with stories from my life when we have business to discuss.

Have you considered producing a model that as it turned off, it would trigger a mechanism to open the door? You don’t have to tell me if you are, I understand trade secrets and wanting to have an edge on the competition and all. If you haven’t, you can take my idea. It’s my gift to you for such a great product! You could call it the “Blow and Go” but if you do, I want credit for giving you the name. Today it’s all about trying to find a cure for Polio or discovering life on Mars (For the record, I don’t think they have yet but they sure are spending a lot of money trying). Society forgets to reward and credit the common everyday inventions and inventors. I’m not part of that society. No sir! I give credit where credit is due and credit is certainly due here.

Okay, okay, I know I’ve probably taken up far to much of your time already so I’ll try and get to my primary reason for writing and then wrap up. Given the environmental consequences so eloquently displayed on your website regarding waste and paper towels, I’ve decided to do away with the paper towel dispensers in the bathrooms of my home. Of course, I’d like to replace the dispensers with two Nova #5 dryers. I’ve never encountered any of the problems you cite on your website about vandalism. Maybe it’s because I’m selective when it comes to letting people use my bathrooms. That said, you do make good points. Nobody likes to see those paper towel spit bombs stuck to the mirror or a commode jammed up with toweling. Especially when you really have to go. Since I require all my guests to wash their hands their wouldn’t be any need to use a paper towel to open the door because only clean hand would be touching the door nob. I installed a little sign that says, “Guests must wash their hands.” so that way they know that it is a requirement of mine. I know what you’re probably thinking at this point, “Why would this guy have paper towel dispensers in a private residence?” Well, let me take a moment to answer that for you. I’m eccentric like that. Plus, the paper towel allows everyone to feel like an individual. It’s good for people to be able to express themselves. Some would argue that communal hand towels are the work of Socialists. I don’t know, maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. I don’t get involved in politics.

So, do you sell directly to home owners? If not, what retail outlets stock your products? I have a Home Depot nearby if that helps.

Thank you for your time. I’m sure it is very valuable since you are on the cutting edge of technology. I look forward to hearing your response.


With warm regards,

Sherb
Your number #1 and #2 fan (get it?)
and inventor of the Blow and Go

Client #9....The Predator.

The big Spitzer story broke only a few hours ago, well, at least a few hours from the time I started typing. To be honest, I really don't give a shit (see point #2). However, these are the thoughts I had as I was driving home.

1. Mad props to the soon to be ex-Mrs. Spitzer for not losing her shit right then and there. From the photos, it looks like she came pretty close. Just once, I'd like to see one of these stand-by-your-man politician's wives go all Jerry Springer at the press conference.

2. Eliot doesn't ask me where I stick my dick and I don't care where he sticks his....even if it is in a "petite, pretty brunette, 5-feet-5 inches, and 105 pounds," named Kristen.

3. He should resign. Not so much for what he did but because he was dumb enough to get caught making the arrangements himself. Isn't there some 3rd party Deputy Governor of Sin to take care of this stuff? You know, to get hook him up with chicks and coke and shit. I don't want some dumb ass who can't even pick up a chick without getting caught running my state.

4. Everyone one seemed to be so surprised that he would be involved in such a thing. Hello? First off, he has a penis. So don't be too surprised. Plus, you should know, it's always the quiet types, crusading for justice....blah, blah, blah.....that you have to watch out for. The louder they shout, the more you have to worry about.

5. In closing, I'd like to think that right about now his wife is chasing him around the Governor's mansion, bitching him out. It's a pretty safe bet, they aren't going to be in the same bed tonight.