Coming soon to a venue near you......

I’ve recently formed a electric zydeco band. We call ourselves Cold Hearted Bitch. Flaco plays the spoons, while Arlo and Lefty trade off between the accordion and the washboard, or as it known among the zydeco worlds, the frottoir. We’re little more than just a jug band without a jug. Myself, I sing and toss in an occasional kazoo solo.

The name is a throwback to my seventh grade teacher, who during my formative years used to punch my in the throat. I thank her for that now as the resulting damage has left me with a unique tremolo in my voice. Actually, I never called her a cold hearted bitch. It was one of her many boyfriends who first used that term of affection when he showed up drunk to our classroom one warm spring day back in the 80s.

Anyway, back to Cold Hearted Bitch the band. We do mostly covers, adding a zydeco twist to songs by Steve Winwood, Earth Wind and Fire and Nat King Cole to name a few. Well, to name three specifically. However, we make true magic together when we belt out Elton John’s Rocket Man.

Things have gotten pretty rough at a few of our shows. We do mostly small clubs in and the occasional county fair. In fact, last summer we traveled out to Coe County for a gig. I don’t think we went over so well as I can only assume they wanted something a little more country.

So I was saying things have gotten a little wild at our shows. This one time, at the conclusion of our first set, I started spinning the mic around over my head by the cord, it made this great wushing sound and the crowd loved it. Well, I must have been pretty sweaty, because that mic got away from me and hit Arlo square in the center of his frottoir.

Now normally one would think that you would be well protected wearing a metal washboard on your chest. Not this time. The cheap-ass promoter had us use the piece of shit house equipment and when the mic hit the metal something must have short circuited because Arlo, the poor bastard, got lit up like a Christmas tree. The jolt shot him clear across the stage and right into Lefty sending the both of them tumbling off the stage.

And that my friends, is the last time we covered any ABBA.