Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to write.

Fat people make me nauseous. Seriously, physically sick to my stomach. I’m not talking about slightly over weight people. They’re okay. I mean the morbidly obese. The ones so huge that obese just wasn’t enough to describe them. The ones who wheeze when the try and do anything physical...like breathe. The ones who waddle like a mallard duck when they walk. The ones who have to use a cane just because they are too damn fat. The ones who need an extra wide wheelchair because they can’t walk. The ones who plow into you even after you turn sideways in order to avoid them in the supermarket aisles. The ones who load up their shopping cart with Ring-Dings and Oreos and who treat fruit and vegetables like Kryptonite. Those are the people that make me want to barf up my last meal. And in fact, in the past, I’ve done just that out of fear of becoming one these blobs.

They don’t even take the slightest amount personal responsibility. “Oh I have a gland problem.” “I’m just big boned.” Really? I’ve never met anyone with a 33 pound thyroid or a 75 pound femur. Try shutting your mouth for anything other than a healthy meal and I’m sure that your glad problem will start to shrink. “But, I’m addicted to food.” Yeah, well start by not buying that oversized Sam’s Club box of Yodels. Take a stand Tubby.
Seems recently that Starbucks has replaced McDonald’s as the caloric scape goat. “Starbucks should have told me the Double Frappa-Fucka-Mocha-Latte with whipped cream was 1001 calories.” “I thought it was just coffee.” “Why don’t they tell you the calories next to the price?”
Lard ass, has your brain turned to fat? You didn’t order a cup of coffee. If you did you would have said, “One coffee please.” You ordered some oversized dessert from a coffee house. Maybe Starbucks is to blame with their venti, grande and tall. Who the hell knows what size you’re ordering. Most places don’t even have a small on their menu anymore. They start with medium which is impossible. How can you have a middle size without having something smaller?

I digress, back to bubble butt and his Starbucks treat. Couldn’t you hear the calories shooting out of the whipped cream can? Whhhhhhhhooooooootttt. Did you honestly think that the sweet chocolate flavor was the byproduct of fruits and veggies? Think again wide load, it’s from that liquid sugar in the bottle with the fancy foreign label. People are so ignorant these days that there were actually news stories alerting people to “the hidden calories in coffee” which is a totally false, attention grabbing headline. There are no calories or fat in coffee. Think about it, coffee is nothing more than dirty water.

Now I don’t wish harm or an artery clogging disease on anyone but if these people don’t shape up God is going to take them out of circulation via heart disease and diabetes. It’s all about natural selection. Much in the same way that the morbidly obese have a difficult time reproducing and spreading their alleged glandular problems. For starters, when naked they’re repulsive looking. Two, they can’t wash well which leads to the production of stinky pheromones. Now, if by chance these two obstacles have been overcome (suppose you’re blind without a nose) God has one last trick up his sleeve. He was smart enough to place the main fat deposits around the midsection thereby making a morbidly obese person’s belly so tremendous that their genitals can’t get anywhere near their partners. A big butt prevents reproducing trying other unspeakable (I am typing this at work) positions as well.

And with that, I’m off to the gym.